a song is about you

Katy Mcallister – Here’s To The Heartbreakers -- So here is to the heartbreakers Who are so good at hiding all the evidence of them pretending. All along who were we kidding? You think that it is over, When did it ever begin? Don’t pretend like he was ever interested. He may have had you fooled by, The way he looked into your eyes. But no he really looked right through, through it all. He could swear he never meant it, Act like you’re overreacting, But he’s the tool who shouldn’t have been acting. How are they the ones attracting us? Here’s to the heartbreakers Who are so good at hiding all the evidence of them pretending. All along who were we kidding? I could find a man and not a boy. Yeah you’ll see what you’re missing. Yes I’m fine now, thanks for asking. Here’s to the fakers Here’s to the heartbreakers! You try to play his games but Then you’re the one who’s being confusing. He’ll keep using that old line, You could just tell me you don’t have the time. But no, you wanna leave me hanging. What’s the point in all of my waiting? I’m the one who’s noticing you, Guess that makes me obsessed with you. I turn your flaws into beauty, And you’re seeing this as a bad thing. Are you kidding me? Yeah well, you’re the one who’ll be missing me. So here is to the heartbreakers Who are so good at keeping us around While still keeping our confidence down. Do you feel as if you own me? I could find a man and not a boy. Yeah you’ll see what you’re missing. Yes I’m fine now, thanks for asking. Here’s to the takers Here’s to the heartbreakers! This is the story of a girl who builds her own thoughts. She has the faith that he’ll be more than what she only thinks she wants. She’s seen the bitter truth But when someone is looking right at you, It’s hard to see through the lying eyes When you’re mesmerized. Yeah I’m mesmerized. So here’s to you, the heartbreaker Who was so good at hiding all the evidence of your pretending. All along who was I kidding? And now for you, the heartbreaker Who was so good at keeping me around While still keeping my confidence down. Well you’ll never own me. You’ll never even have me… Yeah. Cause I could find a man and not a boy. Yes you’ll soon see what you’re missing. Did you get what you came for? Yeah, you’re a heartbreaker. Let me give you a little more. You know who you are… this one’s for you.

decisions need to be made

I haven't written for more than a year. And what a year 2011 was. I can't decide if it was mostly good or mostly bad, but I do know that I'm glad it's over.

When I first moved back to Indianapolis I was happy about the decision I made. I was happy to be home. I was happy to be working the job I had. I had high hopes for my life back here. Maybe that was the problem...expectations. Somehow the expectations I set for myself never seem to go as...well...expected.

At some point in the near future, I will fill you all in on the 3 relationships that occurred in 2011. There are some really good stories to be told. But for now, decisions need to be made. There are (hopefully) some big changes coming down the line for me in the very near future.

Happy New Year! and CHEERS to 2012!!

Resolutions for 2012:
1. Be on time (I stole this one from my friend, Abby-but I need to work on this as well).
2. Run this year's Mini Marathon in Indianapolis-started training this week.
3. Keep expectations reasonable-completely vague and immeasurable, but I'll do my best.

it's October

October holds so many memories for me. Some are good memories, some are not so good.

10 years ago I started dating the love of my life. I don't know how to even describe Seth and me. From the moment we started dating, we were inseparable. We spent the first 36 hours together falling in love. Then we went on a week long bike ride with his family to Tennessee. I was done looking. I had found him. But 4 years later, in Daytona Beach, FL during Biketoberfest, I knew in my heart that it was over between us. We broke up shortly after that, and I have never been in love so deeply or had anywhere near the same kind of connection with any other person.

4 years ago I put in my two weeks notice at the hotel where I was working. In October 2006, I packed up everything I owned and moved to Dallas, TX. I had never lived outside Indiana, and I had never been out of driving distance of my parents. I left my life. I had good friends in Indy that helped me get through the devastation after Seth. But, they were all moving on with their lives, getting married, having kids. I was on my own. With the opportunity to further my career and experience life outside of Indiana, I left on a journey. I learned a lot about myself in Texas. I met a boy, we dated, I fell in love...he didn't. October 2009 was my first trip to New York City to visit this boy I loved. It was there, after almost 2 years of dating on and off, that I finally realized that it wasn't me he wanted.

Fast forward one year to this October. Here I am back in Indianapolis, back at that very same hotel I left 4 years ago, in the very same office. Much is the same, but plenty is different. I find myself reflecting on my October memories this year, as yet another relationship possibility passes me by. I miss October in Dallas. I miss the state fair, I miss the haunted house in Fort Worth...and most of all I miss my friends. I know my friends are spread out all over the country now, but the people I met in Dallas I will always remember fondly, especially in October. October has been a month of beginnings and changes and endings for me. Despite it all, it has always been my favorite month. But I think from now on, I'll take vacations in a different month.

you forget your external hard drive

I have no iTunes today at work and I want to stab pens in my ears.

you commute to work

Every morning on my 8 mile commute to and from work I find myself extremely frustrated with the following things (not in any particular order):

1. The speed limit is 55 mph, but we are only going 30 mph.
2. The light turns green, but we are still sitting there as if at a red light.
3. Semi trucks think they can change lanes whenever they want, even if there is already a car or 4 in said lane.
4. It takes me anywhere from 30-45 minutes to make the 8 mile long commute.
5. People pull into an intersection even when there is no room for them to get through, prohibiting me from being able to move when I get the green light.
6. All the radio stations play California Gurls by Katy Perry on repeat.
7. There is no Starbucks on either of the 2 most convenient routes.
8. The bumpy roads.
9. I get about 9 miles to the gallon due to all the stopping and going.
10. There aren't even any cute guys to look at in the cars next me.

These are just a few of the things that drive me crazy on an almost twice daily basis. I have always considered myself a fairly patient driver, but this is going to send me over the edge one of these days. Who would have ever thought that one thing I'd miss about Dallas is the traffic!!

you're single in your 30's

My other single friend sent me this link today:

http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/06/30/its-okay-to-be-single-in-your-thirties-unless-youre-a-gir/

I appreciated the thought of this article, and the comments were fun to read. The older I get into my 30's, the more I feel people looking at me with pity. This very well could be my own perception, my own projections of what I think people are thinking. But as they say...perception is reality. This guy is dead on about single girls in their 30's having to answer for the reasons why. It hasn't been for lack of trying, and I honestly don't feel that I'm too picky. I just haven't quite figured out yet why relationship after relationship has failed for me.

As this year's birthday is upon me, I think back to days when I was in a good relationship (or at least what I thought was good at the time). Seth and I were together for close to 5 years. I thought I would marry him. He was an amazing boyfriend, I mean amazing. And maybe that's where I go wrong, no one I have dated since him has been able to measure up. He treated me like I was the only person in his world that mattered, he made me a part of his life in every aspect...that is until he didn't. For whatever reason, Seth pulled away from me after a few years of dating. I fought very hard to keep him in my life, because he was all I had ever wanted. Needless to say, our relationship ended and he's moved on. I have pretended to move on, but even after 6 years haven't been able to get that relationship out of my head.

We got a cat together, this cat I still have and love like she's my child. Every time I look at her, pet her...he's there. He made every birthday and holiday the most special day. And not only special days, he made everyday special in his own way. He would leave me notes, messages on the mirror, sweet voicemails and texts. Everyday was worth living when he was in my life. Being back in Indianapolis has made those memories even stronger.

When I really sit and think about it, I was 100% myself when I was with Seth. I don't think that I have ever really allowed anyone in like I did with him. And maybe there lies the foundation of my issues in dating. He told me when we broke up that he couldn't make me happy and that I would find someone that could. Maybe I'm just determined to prove him wrong. I miss him. Or maybe I mostly miss the idea of him...I miss the way that I felt when we were together.

So, now I'm in my early 30's and single. A few more failed relationships that added to the broken heart I already had. For the most part, I'm happy to be where I am in life. I have great friends, an incredibly supportive family and I job I love most days. I pay my own bills and have the financial stability to enjoy my life. Why can't that be enough? I don't think I want to have kids, so why the desire to find someone to share my life with? Because I don't want to be alone on my birthday. I want someone who will make a big deal of it, even though I say I don't, just because they love me. I want someone who will go to the movies with me on a Sunday afternoon without having to find a babysitter or bring their boyfriend along. I want someone who is all mine, and I'm his. I want to feel his arms around me when I'm feeling sad or scared and know that everything will be alright. I want someone in my life that I can be completely open with all the time and know that he will never think less of me.

I have come to the conclusion that this may not happen for me, and when I explain this, I would appreciate people not telling me I'm crazy. Its a reasonable conclusion at this point. Does this mean I've given up? I don't think so. He might be out there, but I refuse to make it my number one priority to find a husband. Like "S" in that article, I would like to find love when its supposed to happen, not because I force it to. I suppose I am a romantic and would like to be swept off my feet by my prince charming in some unexpected scenario, not by some guy who thought I looked cute on match.com. I have made it this far as a single woman, and if I don't meet the love of my life, I know that everything will be ok. I would live the rest of my life alone rather than in some horrible relationship because I felt the need to settle to please friends, family and society.

someone posts your blog on their facebook page

and doesn't even ask you first. That is very rude, in my opinion.