he says he loves me

...and then says he doesn't remember saying it the next day.

I haven't heard these words from a man in 8 years. That's right, no one has been in love with me for 8 years. So, imagine my happiness to hear these words from a guy that I have loved for awhile now.

My relationship with Brian has been interesting to say the least...the last time we saw each other, a little over a month ago, did not end well. He saying he never wanted to get married, me calling him an asshole as I dropped him off at the airport. But...I can never stay mad at the guy for very long. In my heart and in my head we have a connection that keeps drawing us back into each other's lives, what that connection is I still haven't figured out. Is it just a physical connection? Is it the way we make each other feel when we're together? Is it really love?

He randomly told me last weekend that he would be in town this past week. This he tells me after me saying I never wanted to see him again. I guess by now he's figured out that I don't mean it when I say things like that. He invited me out with him and some of his friends while he was here. I didn't know how things would go after the last time we saw each other but decided that I did want to see him so I would go out. At the bar, we didn't really speak much, he had a lot of friends there and I wasn't trying to monopolize his time. I had agreed to take him to the airport the next day, so I knew I would at least get to spend a little time with him then, if nothing else.

By the end of the night, he and I were in a cab together headed back to my place...this was not the plan. But plans change, and I was happy to be with him. He had had plenty to drink and while waiting for the cab was saying things that I doubted he meant. He said that he finally knew what he wanted, and that he wanted me. That he knew I would always be there to take care of him. As much as I wanted to believe these things, I knew he was drunk and to not put much credit into what he was saying. However, later on when we got back to my place, one thing led to another and we were doing what we do. Again...this was not in the plan for the night, but I'm not going to turn that down.

It was during this time that he said what he said. It wasn't like he just said it either, it was like he thought about it before the words actually came out of his mouth. Regardless of the situation surrounding this seemingly thought-out outburst of emotion, at the time I believed it was real. Then came the next morning. I couldn't stop replaying it in my head, but I was scared to death to bring it up.

While I was driving him home that morning we were talking about what he remembered about the night and what he didn't. When I asked if he remembered sleeping with me he said yes...to me indicating he remembered saying he loved me. I like to make things up in my head to keep my sanity. We spent a majority of that day together and it was great. I love being with this man, even when its just running errands. I dropped him off at the airport that afternoon more in love with him than ever, still in my head believing that he loved me too.

Later that night, I had to know the truth. Did he remember or not, or better question, would he admit to it if he did. So, I texted him and asked. Of course I got the answer I didn't want to hear. By this time he was back in New York, living the dream he believes will bring him some kind of happiness. I'm out of sight, out of mind. So, once again, my heart is broken by this man that I can't stop loving.

So, I go on like I do, doing my job as best I can, going on a first date with the guy I met that night I was out with Brian...I try to move past these encounters with him. But I will look forward to the next time I see him, and hope that he makes the effort to see me too, because somewhere deep inside him he believes that I am the one who will always be there to take care of him, to lift him up, to care for him no matter what. I see in him a man who, in his own time, can be the man I need. Right now, I'm willing to wait for it.

you have a bad first date...part 2

After being single for as long as I have been, I feel as if my standards for meeting people are slowly but surely going down the toilet. I know that match.com is used by many people...and have heard the stories of people meeting this way and having successful relationships (no one I personally know, but supposedly it happens).

Anyway, I actually did meet a really nice guy on match.com and we went out for about 2 months...but things didn't end up working out for the two of us. Partly because he started questioning everything I did and more so because BD (who I'm just going to call Brian because I don't really care about protecting the jerk anymore) came back into my life. Long story short...the great guy and I broke up.

So, I'm back to square one...again. I continue my search for the perfect guy on match.com, however at this point I've decided to settle for meeting just any guy. I changed my perspective and decided that going on a date with someone could be like going on a job interview for a job you might not want. You never know, something good could come out of it.

That brings me to my second really bad first date. His name was Tucker. And Tucker's pictures online were not very clear...one of him with a hat covering most of his face and the other a profile view. This should have been my first clue...but, hey, whatever. We email back and forth a couple times and decide to meet.

It was May 5, and the only reason I remember the date is because it was Cinco de Mayo. We decided to meet up for a drink after work, and he suggests Primo's, which for those of you who don't live in Dallas is a Mexican restaurant in one of the busiest parts of town for occasions such as Cinco de Mayo, meaning lots of young people that like to party. I thought for a first date this wasn't the greatest idea, so I suggested a more out of the way pub for our first meeting.

I get to the bar and find a nice table out on the patio and sit down to wait. He shows up not looking all that bad, but I wasn't attracted to him in the least. He sits down and just repeats about 4 times "so, how's it goin?". I tell him about 4 times that everything is fine and finally the waiter comes over to take our order. Since we had to decided to meet for drinks, I ordered a beer. He ordered a club soda. This is when everything pretty much started going downhill fast. Now, I appreciate a recovering alcoholic going out and remaining sober, however, we had decided to meet for DRINKS. If he didn't drink, it would've been nice to know that before hand. But...so it goes. He wasn't the best at conversation so I started asking some questions about what he did for a living...I still have no idea. He tried explaining it, but it seemed like maybe he didn't even really know what his job entailed. So, then we talked a little about football, him giving me the entire history of the 49er's...like I cared!

Then came the worst part of the date...he brought up his ex girlfriend. I got 45 minutes of history of his relationship with her, followed by questions about why this happened and how could he have avoided that. I had finally had enough and told him it was time for me to leave. He was decent enough to walk me to my car and we said our goodbyes. He sent me a few texts after, to which I finally responded that I wasn't interested in seeing him again.

That was May 5. Last week this turd sent me a text saying "hey Cindy, what's up?" Really dude? Really?!