he says he loves me

...and then says he doesn't remember saying it the next day.

I haven't heard these words from a man in 8 years. That's right, no one has been in love with me for 8 years. So, imagine my happiness to hear these words from a guy that I have loved for awhile now.

My relationship with Brian has been interesting to say the least...the last time we saw each other, a little over a month ago, did not end well. He saying he never wanted to get married, me calling him an asshole as I dropped him off at the airport. But...I can never stay mad at the guy for very long. In my heart and in my head we have a connection that keeps drawing us back into each other's lives, what that connection is I still haven't figured out. Is it just a physical connection? Is it the way we make each other feel when we're together? Is it really love?

He randomly told me last weekend that he would be in town this past week. This he tells me after me saying I never wanted to see him again. I guess by now he's figured out that I don't mean it when I say things like that. He invited me out with him and some of his friends while he was here. I didn't know how things would go after the last time we saw each other but decided that I did want to see him so I would go out. At the bar, we didn't really speak much, he had a lot of friends there and I wasn't trying to monopolize his time. I had agreed to take him to the airport the next day, so I knew I would at least get to spend a little time with him then, if nothing else.

By the end of the night, he and I were in a cab together headed back to my place...this was not the plan. But plans change, and I was happy to be with him. He had had plenty to drink and while waiting for the cab was saying things that I doubted he meant. He said that he finally knew what he wanted, and that he wanted me. That he knew I would always be there to take care of him. As much as I wanted to believe these things, I knew he was drunk and to not put much credit into what he was saying. However, later on when we got back to my place, one thing led to another and we were doing what we do. Again...this was not in the plan for the night, but I'm not going to turn that down.

It was during this time that he said what he said. It wasn't like he just said it either, it was like he thought about it before the words actually came out of his mouth. Regardless of the situation surrounding this seemingly thought-out outburst of emotion, at the time I believed it was real. Then came the next morning. I couldn't stop replaying it in my head, but I was scared to death to bring it up.

While I was driving him home that morning we were talking about what he remembered about the night and what he didn't. When I asked if he remembered sleeping with me he said yes...to me indicating he remembered saying he loved me. I like to make things up in my head to keep my sanity. We spent a majority of that day together and it was great. I love being with this man, even when its just running errands. I dropped him off at the airport that afternoon more in love with him than ever, still in my head believing that he loved me too.

Later that night, I had to know the truth. Did he remember or not, or better question, would he admit to it if he did. So, I texted him and asked. Of course I got the answer I didn't want to hear. By this time he was back in New York, living the dream he believes will bring him some kind of happiness. I'm out of sight, out of mind. So, once again, my heart is broken by this man that I can't stop loving.

So, I go on like I do, doing my job as best I can, going on a first date with the guy I met that night I was out with Brian...I try to move past these encounters with him. But I will look forward to the next time I see him, and hope that he makes the effort to see me too, because somewhere deep inside him he believes that I am the one who will always be there to take care of him, to lift him up, to care for him no matter what. I see in him a man who, in his own time, can be the man I need. Right now, I'm willing to wait for it.