Brian is an asshole

Because that's what he is.

you go to New York City and don't take any pictures

I went to New York for the first time this past weekend. For the most part it was a great trip...with a few ups and downs.

I went to spend the weekend with Brian. He's been "living" out there for awhile now, and we'd been going back and forth about me coming out there since about July. We finally decided on a weekend, and I was on my way.

I was very nervous prior to going out there. I had the typical stereotype views of New York City...lots of people, very dirty, scary. But once I set foot in the city, all of that nervousness went away. New York is great, it is definitely somewhere I could see myself living, if only I could make enough money!

My flight out of Dallas was delayed, and if I had gotten on my original flight, Brian would have had to wait at the airport for about 2 hours for me. I was lucky enough to get on an earlier flight and made it in when I was supposed to. Brian was kind enough not to throw me directly into the public transit system, and we hopped in a cab and headed to his apartment on Wall Street. The cab ride wasn't even as bad as everyone seems to make it out to be, this coming from one of the most nervous passengers ever. We dropped our stuff off at his place, I met one of his roommates, and then headed out to this club to meet up with one of his friends (who happens to also be an IU alum). The club was called 40/40 and it was your typical "club". His friend had gotten a VIP room upstairs, so we made our way up there. When we walked into that room, I was immediately overwhelmed with the heavy scent of cologne and True Religion jeans. The friends of Brian's friend were interesting folks to say the least. One of the guys was going on and on about how he insults people by throwing money on the floor (this being said as he's holding a huge wad of cash wrapped in a rubber band, as if it would be ridiculous to bend down and pick up $300 off the ground. I'm sorry...I would pick it up with no problems! We watched the end of the Yankees game and then decided to head out to the next place. As we were standing there waiting for the tab to come, Cash Wad guy pulls this little baggie out of his pocket and offers us some "blow" before we go. All I could think in my head at that point was "Welcome to New York!"

So...we leave. As we are standing outside waiting for a cab, this guy is standing behind us and says something. I didn't hear what he had said, but Brian went over and started talking to him. The next thing I know he's in the cab with us on our way to Juliet's. When we make it through the velvet ropes at Juliet's we get inside and I feel like I'm in an episode of NYC Prep. This place was ridiculous. First of all, they did not serve beer, and all the drinks were at least $14 a pop. There was this guy that would get up and play the guitar to different dance songs that were playing, it was rather annoying actually. While we were at this place, the random guy in the cab and I became fast friends. He was chatting with me, and pulls a small square of foil out of his pocket and offers me something I couldn't understand. I assumed it was more drugs, and declined. I stopped talking to him soon after this because he either got incredibly drunk really quick, or partook in whatever he was trying to offer me. There was another guy from Dallas with us this night, an older gentleman (and I use that term VERY loosely) who was talking to me quite a bit that night. Although every time he would stand by me, his hand was on my backside. This was a bit uncomfortable, so every time he did it, I would just work my way to a different position away from him. At one point, Brian had gone to the bathroom and this guy pulls me by the arm to the other side of the bar, pushed me up against this pillar and starts making out with me. Did I mention this guy was married?? I pushed him away from me, told him he was inappropriate and went to find Brian, who was thank goodness closing his tab. We left, and I decided at that point that the New York club scene was not for me.

After a fairly overwhelming first night out in New York City, I was ready for a something a little more low key. We got up on Friday and started walking. The weather was perfect! It was a little on the chilly side that day, but as long as we kept walking, I wasn't cold at all. We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and waited in line for "the best pizza in New York" at Grimaldi's. The pizza I have to say was delicious. After lunch, we walked around Brooklyn for a bit and then headed up to Canal Street, through Chinatown and into Little Italy. We were walking so fast, that I feel like I might have missed a lot of the sights. There was so much going on, especially in Chinatown with all the street vendors. Little Italy was really cool, lots of outside restaurants playing music. The buildings are all so old and most of them are really cool looking. We ended up in the lower east side (I think) and went to this bar called Spitzer's, which was a lot like this bar in Dallas, the Gingerman. I don't know how far we walked, but my feet were starting to hurt at this point. I have to say, I truly underestimated the amount of walking to be done in NYC. Especially after sitting for a bit, I was hurting a little. We walked around a little more and then headed back to Brian's for a nap. When we got back to Brian's I met his other roommate. Both girls are very cool and super nice people. We found out that one of the parties we thought was Saturday night was actually that night. So after our nap, we got up and got on our Halloween costumes and headed out to grab some dinner. We first stopped at the oldest running bar in New York, McSorley's Old Ale House, to meet up with another one of Brian's friends. After that we went to Death and Co for some dinner. This bar was very different. We had to give the door man our name and wait for people inside to leave before we could go in. We sat at the bar which was pretty cool, because the bartender...oops, I mean the mixologists were pretty entertaining to watch. I guess this place is know for their specialty drinks. Brian ordered something, which I couldn't even bring myself to taste just because it smelled SO strong. We ate some dinner and then headed to another bar. We had been waiting for his roommate to tell us when she was going to be at the party we were headed to. Now, the funny thing about all of this is that Brian and I are dressed up in our costumes for Halloween...it was Friday night...it seems that we were the only people in New York dressed up! We went to this other bar, which I can't remember the name of, and played pinball. Brian kicked my butt a couple times. We then found out that the roommate we were waiting for had already been at the party and was leaving. So, we hopped on the subway and headed for the party. The party was alright, we didn't really talk to anyone and it was pretty crowded, but this guy's apartment had a backyard which they had put a tarp over. There were some pretty good costumes. This was probably my favorite night with Brian, because it was just the two of us all night, and we got along great and had a lot of fun just being together.

The weather on Saturday was awesome! It was warm, although a bit overcast and looked like rain. We went to brunch at this place called Little Giant. I had the cheesy egg on a roll...SO GOOD!! Brian had a breakfast burrito which he let me try, that was good too. But the best part of the meal was the mac and cheese. YUMMY! We got back on the subway to head to Central Park. I guess the trains were messed up because we had to go back downtown to get on another train to go uptown. I felt at this point that Brian was a little aggravated. We were on the train for what felt like forever. The guy was calling off stops and said Times Square. Brian looks at me and asks if I really wanted to walk through Times Square. Well...this is New York, I have never been...the answer to that question is "yes". So, we get off and start walking. He looks at me and says "get ready to enter hell". He wasn't happy. We booked it through Times Square, to the point that I felt like I couldn't really slow down to look around, much less stop to take any pictures. We make it down to Central Park after a stop at FAO Schwarz...another annoyance for Brian. Before going out there I had told Brian a few of the things I had wanted to see in Central Park. Bethesda Fountain, the Boathouse, Bow Bridge and the Alice in Wonderland statue. There were many more things I could have seen there, but I knew I was pushing it with just those things. I could've spent all day walking around there. So, we first found the fountain, I was able to take a couple pictures of this. We walked over to the Alice in Wonderland statue and sat for a while. We watched a couple get married, which I thought was kind of sweet. We then walked past the Boathouse and over to Bow Bridge. I was also able to get a few pictures of the bridge. Brian wanted to show me the roller rink, so we walked over there, but it was closed so no one was really skating. We made our way back to the subway and headed back to the apartment for a nap. I have decided that afternoon naps in New York are awesome.

We got up that night and dressed up again in our costumes. I was a pirate and Brian was Donnie Darko. I think both of us looked pretty good. When we left the apartment we realized it was raining...not too hard, and luckily it was still pretty warm outside. We jumped back on the subway to whatever neighborhood the party was in. When we got off the subway it was raining a bit harder, so we stopped at the Duane Reade for an umbrella. We found a bar to have some dinner and have a couple beers before the party. Being that it was actually Halloween on Saturday, everyone was dressed up. It was a pretty cool thing to see, so much fun. We headed to the party. The party was really fun, there were a lot of pretty cool people there. The cops showed up..which I couldn't really understand. It's Halloween night in New York, who calls the cops for noise complaint? We just had to turn the music off. Brian was pretty distant from me at that party, as he had been all day. I had felt all day that I was annoying him. So, I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible being in a place where I knew no one. It was getting pretty late, with daylight savings time and gaining an hour, and I had had quite a bit to drink. I was pretty much ready to call it a night, but Brian wanted to go to this Karaoke bar down the street. I felt he was already annoyed with me, so I didn't want to say I didn't want to go. We walked in the door of this bar and were immediately assaulted by this flaming gay guy...who apparently Brian had met before. He talked on and on and on...and the longer it went on the more angry I got. I told Brian I wanted to leave, so we headed back to the subway and made our way home in the rain. The walk from the subway to Brian's place was the worst I had felt the whole trip. The events of the day were all unfolding in my head and with every step I was feeling more and more like he didn't want me there at all. We got back to his place and got ready for bed. I couldn't sleep for being so upset so I decided to pack. Now...I admit that I went a bit crazy that night. I had had too much to drink, and I felt rejected. Brian was kind enough to turn the light on for me, and he went back to bed. I got all my stuff packed up, got dressed and was ready to leave to try and make the first flight out. Again...I understand now in the light of day, that this was all slightly insane. I ended up laying down to listen to some music to calm down. I started crying, which I guess woke Brian up. I told him what I had been feeling and asked him why he acted the way he did all day. He told me that it wasn't about me, that he just didn't know where any of it was going. I didn't really understand this answer, because I didn't feel at all like I was putting any pressure on him during the last two days about the two us of. I just wanted to be with him and see New York City. I ended up falling asleep in his arms.

I hadn't slept for more than about an hour or so when I woke up with a very upset stomach. It could have been the amount of Blue Moon I had drank the night before or how upset I was with the situation, but I was sick. We had wanted to get up and go see more of the city that day, but I just couldn't do it. I was so tired and was running to the bathroom about every 20 minutes. I took some anti-D medicine and tried to go back to sleep. We got up a little while later and I still wasn't feeling much better. Brian was incredibly sweet to me, he went to the store for Gingerale and crackers and he bought some soup. I was able to sleep a little more and when I got up again, Brian made us the soup for lunch. We ate together in his bed...again, this was incredibly sweet to me. I started feeling better and we had a couple hours before I had to leave for my flight, so we got up and got dressed and went out to see lower Manhattan. We walked through Battery Park and saw the Statue of Liberty from a far. We had a great walk that afternoon. He put his arm around me, and he made me feel like I mattered to him. We stopped at Whole Foods for some cookies, one regular and one Vegan to see if we could tell the difference...we could. We walked by the World Trade Center site and then headed back to his place.

I got my stuff together to get ready to catch a cab to the airport. I had the biggest lump in my throat the whole time, knowing that I had to leave him. Despite the previous day/night being bad, he had been so good to me. I hugged him goodbye at the cab, and couldn't even speak. I didn't stop crying until I got back to Dallas. The cab driver, everyone in the airport, and the guy sitting next to me on the plane must have thought I was nuts. Which I guess I am...I'm crazy in love with a guy who, despite the chemistry and connection we share, does not want to be with me.

So, that's my story. I will always have the memories saved in my mental scrapbook, even if I didn't get to take many pictures to prove I was there.

when you turn 32

Yeah, that's it. I turned 32 today, and I think it sucks.

he says he loves me

...and then says he doesn't remember saying it the next day.

I haven't heard these words from a man in 8 years. That's right, no one has been in love with me for 8 years. So, imagine my happiness to hear these words from a guy that I have loved for awhile now.

My relationship with Brian has been interesting to say the least...the last time we saw each other, a little over a month ago, did not end well. He saying he never wanted to get married, me calling him an asshole as I dropped him off at the airport. But...I can never stay mad at the guy for very long. In my heart and in my head we have a connection that keeps drawing us back into each other's lives, what that connection is I still haven't figured out. Is it just a physical connection? Is it the way we make each other feel when we're together? Is it really love?

He randomly told me last weekend that he would be in town this past week. This he tells me after me saying I never wanted to see him again. I guess by now he's figured out that I don't mean it when I say things like that. He invited me out with him and some of his friends while he was here. I didn't know how things would go after the last time we saw each other but decided that I did want to see him so I would go out. At the bar, we didn't really speak much, he had a lot of friends there and I wasn't trying to monopolize his time. I had agreed to take him to the airport the next day, so I knew I would at least get to spend a little time with him then, if nothing else.

By the end of the night, he and I were in a cab together headed back to my place...this was not the plan. But plans change, and I was happy to be with him. He had had plenty to drink and while waiting for the cab was saying things that I doubted he meant. He said that he finally knew what he wanted, and that he wanted me. That he knew I would always be there to take care of him. As much as I wanted to believe these things, I knew he was drunk and to not put much credit into what he was saying. However, later on when we got back to my place, one thing led to another and we were doing what we do. Again...this was not in the plan for the night, but I'm not going to turn that down.

It was during this time that he said what he said. It wasn't like he just said it either, it was like he thought about it before the words actually came out of his mouth. Regardless of the situation surrounding this seemingly thought-out outburst of emotion, at the time I believed it was real. Then came the next morning. I couldn't stop replaying it in my head, but I was scared to death to bring it up.

While I was driving him home that morning we were talking about what he remembered about the night and what he didn't. When I asked if he remembered sleeping with me he said yes...to me indicating he remembered saying he loved me. I like to make things up in my head to keep my sanity. We spent a majority of that day together and it was great. I love being with this man, even when its just running errands. I dropped him off at the airport that afternoon more in love with him than ever, still in my head believing that he loved me too.

Later that night, I had to know the truth. Did he remember or not, or better question, would he admit to it if he did. So, I texted him and asked. Of course I got the answer I didn't want to hear. By this time he was back in New York, living the dream he believes will bring him some kind of happiness. I'm out of sight, out of mind. So, once again, my heart is broken by this man that I can't stop loving.

So, I go on like I do, doing my job as best I can, going on a first date with the guy I met that night I was out with Brian...I try to move past these encounters with him. But I will look forward to the next time I see him, and hope that he makes the effort to see me too, because somewhere deep inside him he believes that I am the one who will always be there to take care of him, to lift him up, to care for him no matter what. I see in him a man who, in his own time, can be the man I need. Right now, I'm willing to wait for it.

you have a bad first date...part 2

After being single for as long as I have been, I feel as if my standards for meeting people are slowly but surely going down the toilet. I know that match.com is used by many people...and have heard the stories of people meeting this way and having successful relationships (no one I personally know, but supposedly it happens).

Anyway, I actually did meet a really nice guy on match.com and we went out for about 2 months...but things didn't end up working out for the two of us. Partly because he started questioning everything I did and more so because BD (who I'm just going to call Brian because I don't really care about protecting the jerk anymore) came back into my life. Long story short...the great guy and I broke up.

So, I'm back to square one...again. I continue my search for the perfect guy on match.com, however at this point I've decided to settle for meeting just any guy. I changed my perspective and decided that going on a date with someone could be like going on a job interview for a job you might not want. You never know, something good could come out of it.

That brings me to my second really bad first date. His name was Tucker. And Tucker's pictures online were not very clear...one of him with a hat covering most of his face and the other a profile view. This should have been my first clue...but, hey, whatever. We email back and forth a couple times and decide to meet.

It was May 5, and the only reason I remember the date is because it was Cinco de Mayo. We decided to meet up for a drink after work, and he suggests Primo's, which for those of you who don't live in Dallas is a Mexican restaurant in one of the busiest parts of town for occasions such as Cinco de Mayo, meaning lots of young people that like to party. I thought for a first date this wasn't the greatest idea, so I suggested a more out of the way pub for our first meeting.

I get to the bar and find a nice table out on the patio and sit down to wait. He shows up not looking all that bad, but I wasn't attracted to him in the least. He sits down and just repeats about 4 times "so, how's it goin?". I tell him about 4 times that everything is fine and finally the waiter comes over to take our order. Since we had to decided to meet for drinks, I ordered a beer. He ordered a club soda. This is when everything pretty much started going downhill fast. Now, I appreciate a recovering alcoholic going out and remaining sober, however, we had decided to meet for DRINKS. If he didn't drink, it would've been nice to know that before hand. But...so it goes. He wasn't the best at conversation so I started asking some questions about what he did for a living...I still have no idea. He tried explaining it, but it seemed like maybe he didn't even really know what his job entailed. So, then we talked a little about football, him giving me the entire history of the 49er's...like I cared!

Then came the worst part of the date...he brought up his ex girlfriend. I got 45 minutes of history of his relationship with her, followed by questions about why this happened and how could he have avoided that. I had finally had enough and told him it was time for me to leave. He was decent enough to walk me to my car and we said our goodbyes. He sent me a few texts after, to which I finally responded that I wasn't interested in seeing him again.

That was May 5. Last week this turd sent me a text saying "hey Cindy, what's up?" Really dude? Really?!

you can't get to your car because of a waterfall

So, it's spring in Texas and that means rain...lots and lots of rain. This week we saw some pretty big storms come through for a couple days. It started Wednesday night, I was getting ready to go to House of Blues for Gomez. I turned on the TV when the sky started turning green and saw there was a major storm heading for Dallas. It hadn't started raining yet when I left the house, but it started very soon after. I had to stop at an ATM so I went to the nearest gas station. Between the parking lot and the front door of the store, I got drenched! The wind was blowing so hard, and it was raining buckets by this point.

Nevertheless, I made it downtown and enjoyed an awesome show. By the time I got home that night, my parking garage was pretty full. I couldn't get a spot on my floor, so I went up to visitor parking on the 4th floor of the garage.

I woke up the next morning, after being up most of the night due to the storms that continued to roll in over night. I walked out into the garage and proceeded to the stairwell leading up to visitor parking. I stopped dead when I saw the literal waterfall coming out of the stairwell I needed to walk through to get to my car. I stood there contemplating what to do. I mean, I didn't really care if I got wet, but there was definitely enough water coming down that my laptop would have been soaked as well. Just as I was about to turn around to start walking up through the garage, one of my neighbors walked out and saw me standing there looking at the waterfall.

He asked if I needed a ride to my car...which I gladly accepted. I mean, how nice was this guy? I wouldn't have thought twice about someone standing in the garage, much less thought about where they were trying to go. I haven't met any of my neighbors since I have lived here, because most of the people here aren't very friendly. This gesture of kindness made my day. However, when I saw him out at the pool yesterday, he did not acknowledge me...to be fair I didn't initiate conversation either, but still. I thought I would at least have another new acquaintance here in Dallas, oh well.

So, I guess not being able to get to my car because of a waterfall didn't really suck because I did get to meet a cute neighbor, but where that will lead remains to be seen. I won't get my hopes up.

the girl part of my brain takes over

I spent a great day and some hours at a beach resort with the guy I'm completely crazy about. Why can't I just leave it at that? My mind is racing with questions and I'm driving myself crazy.

I'm trying so hard not to start asking questions, to not start asking for more. I just want to feel all the time the way I feel when I'm with him. I want him to feel what I feel...

Sometimes I really hate being a girl...oh how nice it would be to have a guy's mind who can just push the feelings aside and go on with the life I want, not concerned with other people's feelings.

you have a bad first date

So here comes confession time...since December when things last fell apart with BD I have been on match.com. Whatever...judge all you want. Plenty of people meet this way these days, or so I've heard.

Well, to post all the bad experiences I've had since December would be the longest post ever...so this will come in installments as I have the time to share.

#1 Bad First Date: Don't remember his name (it was in December, that was a long time ago).

So, I was online one night and match.com has an IM feature. This guy sends me an IM asking if I was from Indianapolis, to which I replied "yes, I lived there before I moved to Dallas." Turns out he went to Franklin College near Indianapolis, and actually grew up in a town very near where I grew up in Northern Indiana. It was a fine conversation, as I always enjoy meeting other Hoosiers. Well, this fellow was in town for some college football bowl game, let's assume it was the Cotton Bowl (since I know that is actually here). He was on the coaching staff for Ole Miss.

I found it odd that someone from Mississippi was searching in Dallas on match.com, but I figured he was bored or something. Since we had some things in common, I agreed to take him out in Dallas to grab a drink since he had nights off with nothing much to do. So, it was December 30th the night we went out, we just had a couple drinks and some decent conversation. This is a guy I would NEVER date, he was not my type at all, but I (come to find out later, stupidly) thought that we were just getting together because we were from the same part of the country and he was from out of town. While we were out, he went on and on about all the gifts he'd gotten from the NCAA for being in this bowl game.

I took him back to his hotel and he invited me up to his room to see all the fun stuff he'd gotten during the week. Again, since I didn't think anything of this "date" I agreed. We get up to his room, and he wasn't kidding about the gifts. He got all kinds of stuff, a WII, a Tiffany watch and commemorative plate, a mountain bike, an iPhone...and some other cool stuff I don't really remember.

We are standing in his room looking at all this stuff when out of no where he grabs me and throws me down on his bed, climbs on top of me and shoves his tongue down my throat. I have a flash of some lifetime movie that I would be watching saying the whole time how stupid that girl was for putting herself in such a stupid position. I did my best to push him off of me and let him know as politely as I could that I wasn't looking for that, nor was I that kind of girl. He got off me and let me up, and said something along the lines of "oh, I was just seeing how far I could go".

Ok, time to leave! I immediately got up, collected my purse and headed for the door. Being the gentleman he was, he walked me back down to my car. He also had the nerve to ask me out again...for the next night...that's right, New Year's Eve. I let him know that I already had plans, but would let him know if anything changed.

The next day, he texted me asking if we were going to get together. I told him no, that I was going to a party. He let me know that I could come to his hotel after the party...to which I responded "no thanks". I never heard from him after that, thankfully.

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart girl...but in this situation I couldn't have been more stupid and naive. Lesson learned, guys in from out of town searching for girls on match.com...not just looking for someone to go out with...but rather someone to have "fun" with.

Stay tuned for bad first date #2...

when one of your worst fears almost comes true

So, one of my biggest fears is falling down in the shower, hitting my head and falling unconscious. Because really, how long would it be before anyone noticed I wasn't around? I could be laying there, naked and cold, for days before anyone found me.

Anyway, I was in the shower this morning, actually taking my time because I wasn't running late for once, and as I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair I must have breathed in a bit too deeply. My nose was a bit stuffy from the allergies that have taken over my head, so I breathed in open mouthed and into my lungs rushed in some water. Now, I understand that this isn't falling down and hitting my head, but you can also die from drowning, so this is close enough to one of my worst fears for me to be a bit freaked out.

I immediately panicked at the feeling of not being able to breathe, but luckily started coughing. I hacked my head off for a few minutes, desperately trying to get air back into my lungs. When the panic wore off, I had to sit down for a minute and collect myself.

So, now I have two fears that involve the shower...but will never breathe with my mouth open again while rinsing my hair.

all your friends are right

I had been anticipating his return for weeks...the last time he was in town we had lunch and some silly drunk texts, but that was it. You see I was dating someone at the time, so I was forced to practice self control that weekend. I thought then that I could see him and be alright.

I was wrong...just as all my friends had said. And now I'm left in a heap of sobs on the bathroom floor yet once again. I don't know why it's always the bathroom floor-it isn't the most comfortable spot for a lengthy cry, but I digress.

I knew he would be back this weekend...as things started fizzling out with the guy I was seeing, BD and I started communicating more and more. I started to get excited about his return to Dallas, but told myself I knew it would probably be just one night and he was back off to Florida/NYC on Monday. "There was no way, " I told myself, "that I would get crazy and attached again". My friends are all smart people, they knew better but I refused to listen.

So, the crazy started on Friday night when I hadn't heard from him by 9pm. I knew he was probably already out and didn't understand why I hadn't heard from him. About quarter after 10pm, he texted me to tell me he was at a strip club. Fair enough. He also let me know that there was another girl wanting his attention this weekend. This pissed me off a bit, fine for being honest, but why mention it. This intensified the already simmering crazy in my head. He tried to get me to come out to Baby Dolls, and I probably would have but didn't really feel all that comfortable walking into a place like that by myself. Finally around 11:30pm they left the strip club. I jumped in a cab to meet him and his friends at the Loon. We drank some beers, chatted a bit with his friends it turned out to be a really good time. The crazy started heating up a bit more when he showed affection in the bar...he grabbed my hands and put them around his back. To my recollection, he had never shown any kind of affection in public like that, even when we were dating. I was swooning at this point.

We get back to my place, and I don't think I need to tell anyone what happened then...but I do feel it's fair to mention that it was the best it had ever been...and it was always good. We woke up the next morning and did it again, and again...amazing.

So, as much I tried to tell myself that it was going to just be one night, and I should be grateful that he included me in his schedule at all, he left that morning with me wanting more. I have realized that it is impossible for me to separate the physical and emotional with him. I still love him, and I guess deep down in my mind I hope that each time I see him it will be different, that he'll realize that I could be the one to make him happy.

I didn't really hear from him on Saturday, no surprise really but I spent the evening wondering if he was with the other girl that wanted him. Did he take advantage of my feelings Friday night? Does he even know what my feelings are for him? Not even a drunk text...which I know sounds stupid, but if he texts me when he's drinking, at least I know I'm a thought in his head. So...now I've hit full on insane again about this guy who doesn't really want me. He said I would see him before he leaves, but I doubt that will happen. I have at least learned one thing over the past year with this man...he is really good at saying the things I want to hear, but not always so good about following through with the actual thing he said he would do.

So, tomorrow he will be gone again. And there is no telling when I will see him again. Life will go back to normal, and in a couple weeks I'll be ok again. To all my friends out there that warned me, you were all right, and I promise I won't come crying to any of you about this, because I know I got what I deserved.

when you think your car has been stolen

Ok...so I was thinking just the other day that I hadn't gotten into any blog worthy situations lately, and no sooner do I think that thought...it happens!

Saturday started off slow. On Monday I had decided that I was going to stop taking all the medication I had been taking on a daily basis because I had been feeling so tired. I stopped the Claritan, the SlimQuick, the vitamins and my Lexapro. I also decided to stop taking the regular amounts of Excedrin for my constant headaches. By Saturday afternoon, my head was killing me and I was feeling a bit off balance. So, I took half a Lexapro and two Excedrin and laid in bed until I had to get up for a fun evening of Whirlyball.

On a side note, if you've never played Whirlyball, I highly recommend finding a place to partake in the silliness. Whirlyball is a game played with ten people, two teams of 5. Each team drives around in bumper cars, running into each other and the walls while trying to hit small circular targets on each side of the court using plastic lacrosse type scoops. It's good times, especially with a few beers mixed in.

So, after a couple hours of getting rammed into the wall, my headache was no better...but a few members of the group were meeting up to play some beer pong. Aside for the headache, I was feeling better than I had in weeks...no more fatigue, and I hadn't been out for some good fun in a long time. So, I decided to hang for a bit and play beer pong.

I ended up being the only girl, hanging with 5 guys...mostly co-workers and one friend of a co-worker who was in from out of town. After a few rounds of beer pong, things start getting a little fuzzy. I had drank much more beer than I had planned...there were a couple of portable breathalizers around that night, and at one point late in the night, I blew a 0.16. I was drunk to say the least. I had planned on driving a couple of the guys home that night...but that was obviously out of the question at that point. We continued drinking, and smoking Cuban cigars-I hate cigars, but finished the whole thing. The owner of the house, a married co-worker whose wife was out of town, was concerned as to how I would get home. He handed me a hundred dollar bill for a cab and told me to give him the change on Monday.

Throughout the night, the friend in from out of town kept hitting on me. He was my teammate in beer pong, and we did alright...and he was a pretty affectionate guy, so I didn't think too much about it. Also throughout the night, I had been texting with two of the other guys...mostly joking about the guy hitting on me.

So the more I drank, the more I just wanted to lay down. The owner of the home told me I could crash there if I wanted, and told me to go lay down upstairs. So, that I did. I went upstairs with the intention of passing out. I put the hundred on the night stand and laid down in a married guy's bed. I was still texting with my other friend who reminded me how inappropriate sleeping in married man's bed would be. As much as I just wanted to pass out, reason kicked in and I got up and went downstairs. The party moved up to the living room, and little by little everyone made their way home. The evening ended with me apologizing to the married guy about losing a hundred dollar bill, because after he mentioned it to me again, I went back upstairs to find the money missing from the night stand. I felt horrible!

I sat there long enough to sober up a bit...my last reading was 0.11. I decided it was time to leave, and married guy decided he would follow me home to be sure I made it home safe. So...I made it home safe. Home and in bed...and passed out within minutes.

I woke up Sunday afternoon feeling like I had eaten a dirty sock...ah, yes, there was that cigar. YUCK. I got up and brushed my teeth and went back to bed. Woke up a bit later and made my way out to the couch. I watched a bit of TV, and then went back to bed. Needless to say, I didn't leave the house all day. My mind was fuzzy, and I spent most of my waking hours feeling horrible about losing a hundred dollars. I went to bed dreading work on Monday morning and having to face the co-workers that saw me the drunkest I had been in a very long time.

I woke up a bit late, as usual, this morning and rushed through my normal routine...trying to make it to work on time. I walked out of the apartment and into my garage. No car...my car was not there. I hit the lock button, hoping to hear the horn honk. No horn honk...panic set in. I thought two things...someone stole my car out of my gated garage, or maybe I didn't actually drive myself home on Saturday. So, I walked up to the third floor, deciding I would check all the floors to be sure the car was actually gone. Not on the third floor...so I went up to visitor parking. And there it was, the only car parked on the top floor of the garage. I got in and started to head for work feeling incredibly stupid. How on earth did I not remember driving all the way to the top floor of my garage, not to mention the walking down three flights of stairs to get home??? The bigger question should maybe be...why was I driving in the first place.

So...drunk driving or sleeping in a married guy's bed? Which one is worse?

the name of the coffee determines when you drink it

So, I've noticed that lately I've been drinking two types of coffee at work. One is Breakfast Blend and the other is House Blend.

Now, I had to wonder this morning why I only drink the Breakfast Blend in the morning and House Blend in the afternoon. Why couldn't I have the House Blend with my breakfast? Just because the Flavia says the coffee should go with breakfast, doesn't mean I have to follow the suggestion, does it?

And also, why don't I drink the Chai Tea more often? It is delicious.

when your iPod headphones are crap

They are crap, they really are.

Anyone have any suggestions for a nice, fairly inexpensive set of headphones? I'm looking for the ear buds...small and unnoticeable.

life is cut short

I haven't really been able to really grasp what happened in September, but for some reason Erin is on my mind tonight. Erin was my best friend in high school. She and I were mostly inseparable from my Sophomore to Senior years of high school. We were the typical high school girl friends, we slept over at each other's houses, we dated boys who were friends so that we could double "date", we talked on the phone for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. She was a truely genuine person, a kind person, fun and funny, supportive and honest to a fault.

I learned a lot from Erin over the years of our friendship. She taught me to be myself, to love myself, to cherish my family, to love my pets, to live life. Erin made some choices in her life that led her down a dangerous road. I had gone off to college when many of these choices were being made, and it would be years before I found out about any of these choices. When I found out what had happened, I felt guilty that I wasn't there for her, I wasn't there to bring her back to reality. I realized later on that I couldn't have changed her path. She fell in love, deeply in love, and would have done anything to be with her soul mate. Erin loved like no one I have ever known. She was loyal to a fault. She also yearned to be loved in return. I don't know if I could have made a difference back then, and I suppose looking back it was best that I wasn't there, for fear that I may have followed her down this road.

A little over 2 years ago I received a call from Erin, after not being in contact for many many years. She was different, but the same. The drugs had worn her down, but she was still funny and caring and wanted to know all about how I was and what I was doing. She said she was trying to get well, and had been clean for awhile now, but the methadone treatment was rough on her. She told me that her soul mate had overdosed about a year prior and had passed away. This was very hard on her, but she had met someone who was taking care of her. She was living with this guy, and I had the chance to speak with him briefly. He loved her, and that's what she so desparately needed. We talked for awhile, remembering all the good times we shared during the years that we were close. She asked me to write to her, she gave me her address and we said goodbye. I meant to write, I thought about it often but didn't take the time, thinking that I could write her tomorrow or that I would talk to her again soon.

Then early Sunday morning, September 21st, my mom called to tell me the news. Erin had passed away the day before. The wind was knocked out of me. I had to hang up the phone, and I broke down. Broke down like I had never before. I had never experienced such a loss and I had no idea how to handle it. I booked a flight home so that I could attend the funeral and say goodbye. Once again, I feel guilty that I wasn't there, I wasn't there for her when she had helped me through so many things growing up. I wasn't there for her when I should have been. I live with the guilt of not being a better friend to Erin in the end because I was scared and didn't understand what she was going through. I will never get the chance to say I'm sorry, I will never get the chance again to tell her how much I loved her. Not in this life anyway. I rest easier knowing that she was saved before she died, and hope to one day see her shining smile again.

Her funeral was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing her mom, her sister, all the people that loved her so much. Everyone was in so much pain. The service was beautiful, and Erin was beautiful. I have pushed the pain down deep inside of me so I don't have to face the sorrow and guilt I feel. But tonight she is on my mind. I wish I could call her and tell her about my day and hear about hers, and talk about our cats and how stupid boys are. I'm missing her tonight. I will carry a piece of her with me for the rest of my life.

None of us like to think about it, but life is too short to take the people you love for granted. Hug your friends, tell them you love them, don't wait until it's too late and you are left wishing you had said all the things you wished you'd said. I love you Erin.

the cat pees on the rug

So, I had been worrying lately about getting written up at work for showing up late. So, I was dead set on getting up in time to make it to work before 9am this morning. I was successful this morning in getting up a whole hour before I needed to leave to make it to work in time. Until...I walk into the bathroom and find that my little fuzzy butt kitty cat peed on my bathroom rug.

I was very angry, not only because it's stupid for the cat to pee on the rug when she has a perfectly fine litterbox to do her business, but also because I had just not 8 hours before pulled this rug out of the dryer, all clean and fluffy. It took some time to get the stain out of the rug...causing me to yet again be late for work.

Now, I can't seem to get the smell of cat pee out of the apartment. Carrie is not a happy cat owner today.

the new battery didn't work

Ok...seriously, I'm feel like Phoebe in that episode of Friends when she pulls her smoke detector out of the ceiling and it still won't stop beeping.

I tried replacing the battery...but the whole thing if EFFED! I can't get the battery compartment to close now, and the stupid thing WILL NOT STOP BEEPING. Where is the man of the house when you need one????

On a side note the Bush's moved into their house in Dallas today...so that's kind of neat.

Back to the smoke detector...I'm going to get this stupid thing figured out tonight if it kills me.

the smoke detector won't stop beeping

I was awoken last night to annoying high pitched beeping once every minute...apparently the battery in my smoke detector has died and needs to be replaced.

But, seriously, who keeps 9 Volt batteries on hand? I have AA and AAA and even C batteries, but no 9 Volt. So, I took the battery out of the detector thinking that would stop the beeping...but alas, no such luck as it is wired into the electricity. So, since I forgot about the beeping before I got home tonight, I have to run out to the store tonight.

How annoying is that??

rain stops the race

A few weeks ago I was texting back and forth with BD. I know, I know, you are all asking yourselves "Why, oh why would you be talking to him?" I don't have an answer for that question, but through a few texts back and forth he told me he was going to the Daytona 500. This news sent me into a bit of unreasonable anger...

A little history is necessary at this point, in hopes of making myself not look so crazy. When I moved to Dallas I was seeing a guy, we dated for about 8 or so months, and towards the end of our relationship he went to the Daytona 500...and didn't take me with him. I was hurt by this because I just want to be included in things with the guys I date, and for the past few years, I seem to find the ones that don't really want me around all the time. So, I was hurt that I missed out on such a fun opportunity, as the Daytona 500 is really the only NASCAR race I have wanted to attend.

So, when BD told me he was going to this race I so badly wanted to go to, I was reminded of the hurt I felt 2 years ago, and was also reminded that BD was another guy I dated for an extended period of time who usually excluded me from things. Well, I was talking to my good friend Theo about all of these feelings, and he graciously suggested that we go. He made the whole trip possible for me, and I will forever be indebted to him for making one of my dreams come true.

I flew to Miami on Friday afternoon and spent the night in South Beach at Theo's amazing home. We spent part of the day on Saturday at the pool and part of the day on the beach. Then on Saturday night we drove up to Melbourne, FL to spend the night. Sunday afternoon we got up and drove into Daytona...without tickets to the race. I was freaking out a little bit...Ok, a lot because I really wanted to get into the race and had never bought tickets from a scalper before. Theo tried reassuring me that we would get tickets, but I wouldn't stop bitching about not having them. So...we finally stopped to talk to a guy on the street with tickets and thanks to Theo's amazing negotiating skills, we ended up paying $50 for $185 seats. And they were GOOD seats! We were right on turn 4 at the very top...a few seats down from Kurt Busch's spotter. How fun is that??

So, we get in our seats and the race begins. I have only been to IndyCar races before, so I was very excited to be at my first NASCAR race. The people, the noises, the whole atmosphere of racing is so much fun!

About an hour into the race I get a text from BD. Yes, that's right, he contacted me first. I hadn't told him I was going, but he found out from a mutal friend of ours. So, we texted back and forth a couple of times, and he tells me that his phone is dying but to let him know if I wanted to say "hi". We were sitting just a couple of sections away from each other. So, then I get a text from a strange number saying that BD's phone died, but to text that number. So, I decided to see him and asked him to come down and meet me. He did. And the whole exchange was just awkward. We talked a bit about his "move" to New York and about the race. And then I wanted to get back to the race, so I said good bye, hugged him, and walked away. As I walked away I got an overwhelming feeling that I will never see that man again...ever. The chances of our paths crossing again in the future is very slim...and I think I'm ok with that. Who'd have thought that I would have gotten closure at a NASCAR race??

So, I return to my seat, just after a big wreck...I was upset that I missed it, because minutes later the clouds rolled in and it started raining. They red flagged the race so we went underneath the stands to stay dry and wait for the verdict. Soon after, they called the race. Theo and I headed back to the car, where I proceeded to complain and bitch about us going the wrong way. I was cold and wet, and just wanted to be warm and dry again. We made it back to the car, following Theo's direction (which, by the way, was the correct direction-that's right, I can admit when I'm wrong). We settled into the car for the drive back to Miami. We had a great parking spot, so didn't have to sit in traffic for very long at all. All in all it was a GREAT trip. I hope that some day I can repay Theo for the kindness and generousity he showed to me.

you get your hopes up

A little over a month ago I got a phone call from a previous GM of mine. He said that my name had come up in conversation about a job for which I would have been perfect. And...also would have gotten me back to Indianapolis. I was told I would be contacted after Christmas to set up an interview.

A few weeks went by, and I hadn't heard anything so I sent off my resume to said GM and let him know I was still interested in learning more about the position we had spoken about. He replied and let me know he hadn't forgotten about me and that he would be in touch.

Well, today I learned (not from my old GM, but through one of my current coworkers) that this position has been filled. And has been filled by a much lesser qualified candidate than I would have been. I wasn't even given the opportunity to interview for this position. How is this fair?

I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up about going back home, but I did. I told people about it, and now have to tell people that its not going to happen. I know that God must have a good reason to keep me in Dallas. It's just that two years of disappointment after disappointment has me questioning why I am still here. I feel like over the past year I have just kept losing things...friends, a boyfriend, self-confidence, mental stability. I know I have plenty to be thankful for, but right now it's hard to see past my own hurt feelings to get perspective.

you lose your voice, along with your senses of taste and smell

I am sick again, this time with a supposed Viral Upper Respiratory Infection...although, I don't believe what I'm told.

It started last Sunday evening when I returned from California with a scratchy throat. The scratchiness continued until Wednesday morning when I woke up with probably the worst sore throat I have ever had. I called my boss and told him I wouldn't be in and went back to bed until I could call my doctor.

I woke up promptly at 8am to call the doctor's office to make an appointment, and was told my doctor was not in but that I could make an appointment with another doctor in the office. That sounded fine to me, but I still had to call back with my insurance information (we got new insurance this year, and wow, on January 15th still didn't have our new cards) which I had to print off the internet. Upon calling back with this information, I was told that since I was now on the Aetna HMO plan, I could not see any other doctors, and that Dr. Clark (my doctor) was completely booked on Thursday as well. JUST GREAT!

So, I gave up and went back to bed for the rest of the day. I considered an urgent care facility, but I really really hate those places. I mean, really really HATE them. I feel like they aren't clean, and the doctor's just give you whatever cookie cutter diagnois that is popular at the time. I didn't want to have to go to one of these places. Well, later on Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from my doctor's office informing me there was no way to fit me in on Thursday, but I could make an appointment for Friday. I told them I would get back to them, knowing that I probably wouldn't be able to wait that long to see someone.

I was right, I woke up on Thursday morning, my throat hurting even worse and with an incredibly hoarse voice. I called my boss again, who by the way gave me shit for calling in again even though he made fun of how I sounded, and informed him I would not be at work again today. I got myself up and showered and out the door to be at CityDoc by 9am when they opened. I hoped if I got there early I wouldn't have to sit there all day. They actually got me in to see the doctor fairly quickly, and just as I had feared, after about 30 seconds of examining me I was told I had a viral infection and that I would just have to let it run its course. She told me I should start feeling better in a couple of days, as I was on day 4 and viral infections usually only last 7 or so days.

Well, I'm now on day 7, and I might feel worse today than I have felt all week. I have been taking sudafed and advil all day long and the cough syrup with hydrocodon at night for the past 3 and half days. My throat is still KILLING me, I still have no voice and I have lost all sense of taste and smell. The tea I keep drinking to soothe my throat might as well just be hot water. My entire body hurts today, similar to what I would imagine it feels like to be hit by a car. But, I have to get myself up and showered again today to go pick up the "just in case" antibiotic the stupid docotor gave me a prescription for. "Just in case you don't start to feel better", she said, "I'll give you an anitbiotic." My luck, the antibiotic won't have a generic just like the cough medicine she prescribed and I'll be out another $70!

I'm so annoyed with my new insurance, and I'm more annoyed that my doctor couldn't get me in last week. I have never had a problem getting in to see him until he changed practices. I hate being sick as it is, but its even worse when the systems in place to help you feel better fail.

you have nothing to write about

So...2009 hasn't sucked at all so far. It's amazing how much better things go when you finally get up the courage to exclude certain toxic people from your life. It's still hard at times, but I'm doing my best to let go of my most recent bad relationship. I was finally able to admit to myself that the problems we had were not going to ever be fixed, and things had gone beyond repair. I must admit too, however, that I secretly wish he would fight to get me back...that's not going to happen, though, so I must keep moving on until I can put the entire situation behind me.

I'm currently in sunny 76 degree Anaheim, CA visiting the hotel that I just recently took on at work. My brother and his wife are coming up to spend the day/night with me. It will be really great to see them, as I haven't seen them in close to a year!

My hotel visit has been great. I do so much work over the phone, that it is always nice to get to meet the people you talk to every week and put their face with the voice. Everyone has been so nice and I can't wait to get out and see the town today. Unfortunately I don't think Disneyland will be on the agenda. Its just too expensive, although, I definitely want to go sometime before too long.

So, that's all I have so far this year. Maybe I'll have to change the name of my blog if I continue to have such a postive year and things continue to not suck so much! We'll just see...I'm still skeptical.