life is cut short

I haven't really been able to really grasp what happened in September, but for some reason Erin is on my mind tonight. Erin was my best friend in high school. She and I were mostly inseparable from my Sophomore to Senior years of high school. We were the typical high school girl friends, we slept over at each other's houses, we dated boys who were friends so that we could double "date", we talked on the phone for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. She was a truely genuine person, a kind person, fun and funny, supportive and honest to a fault.

I learned a lot from Erin over the years of our friendship. She taught me to be myself, to love myself, to cherish my family, to love my pets, to live life. Erin made some choices in her life that led her down a dangerous road. I had gone off to college when many of these choices were being made, and it would be years before I found out about any of these choices. When I found out what had happened, I felt guilty that I wasn't there for her, I wasn't there to bring her back to reality. I realized later on that I couldn't have changed her path. She fell in love, deeply in love, and would have done anything to be with her soul mate. Erin loved like no one I have ever known. She was loyal to a fault. She also yearned to be loved in return. I don't know if I could have made a difference back then, and I suppose looking back it was best that I wasn't there, for fear that I may have followed her down this road.

A little over 2 years ago I received a call from Erin, after not being in contact for many many years. She was different, but the same. The drugs had worn her down, but she was still funny and caring and wanted to know all about how I was and what I was doing. She said she was trying to get well, and had been clean for awhile now, but the methadone treatment was rough on her. She told me that her soul mate had overdosed about a year prior and had passed away. This was very hard on her, but she had met someone who was taking care of her. She was living with this guy, and I had the chance to speak with him briefly. He loved her, and that's what she so desparately needed. We talked for awhile, remembering all the good times we shared during the years that we were close. She asked me to write to her, she gave me her address and we said goodbye. I meant to write, I thought about it often but didn't take the time, thinking that I could write her tomorrow or that I would talk to her again soon.

Then early Sunday morning, September 21st, my mom called to tell me the news. Erin had passed away the day before. The wind was knocked out of me. I had to hang up the phone, and I broke down. Broke down like I had never before. I had never experienced such a loss and I had no idea how to handle it. I booked a flight home so that I could attend the funeral and say goodbye. Once again, I feel guilty that I wasn't there, I wasn't there for her when she had helped me through so many things growing up. I wasn't there for her when I should have been. I live with the guilt of not being a better friend to Erin in the end because I was scared and didn't understand what she was going through. I will never get the chance to say I'm sorry, I will never get the chance again to tell her how much I loved her. Not in this life anyway. I rest easier knowing that she was saved before she died, and hope to one day see her shining smile again.

Her funeral was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing her mom, her sister, all the people that loved her so much. Everyone was in so much pain. The service was beautiful, and Erin was beautiful. I have pushed the pain down deep inside of me so I don't have to face the sorrow and guilt I feel. But tonight she is on my mind. I wish I could call her and tell her about my day and hear about hers, and talk about our cats and how stupid boys are. I'm missing her tonight. I will carry a piece of her with me for the rest of my life.

None of us like to think about it, but life is too short to take the people you love for granted. Hug your friends, tell them you love them, don't wait until it's too late and you are left wishing you had said all the things you wished you'd said. I love you Erin.

the cat pees on the rug

So, I had been worrying lately about getting written up at work for showing up late. So, I was dead set on getting up in time to make it to work before 9am this morning. I was successful this morning in getting up a whole hour before I needed to leave to make it to work in time. Until...I walk into the bathroom and find that my little fuzzy butt kitty cat peed on my bathroom rug.

I was very angry, not only because it's stupid for the cat to pee on the rug when she has a perfectly fine litterbox to do her business, but also because I had just not 8 hours before pulled this rug out of the dryer, all clean and fluffy. It took some time to get the stain out of the rug...causing me to yet again be late for work.

Now, I can't seem to get the smell of cat pee out of the apartment. Carrie is not a happy cat owner today.

the new battery didn't work

Ok...seriously, I'm feel like Phoebe in that episode of Friends when she pulls her smoke detector out of the ceiling and it still won't stop beeping.

I tried replacing the battery...but the whole thing if EFFED! I can't get the battery compartment to close now, and the stupid thing WILL NOT STOP BEEPING. Where is the man of the house when you need one????

On a side note the Bush's moved into their house in Dallas today...so that's kind of neat.

Back to the smoke detector...I'm going to get this stupid thing figured out tonight if it kills me.

the smoke detector won't stop beeping

I was awoken last night to annoying high pitched beeping once every minute...apparently the battery in my smoke detector has died and needs to be replaced.

But, seriously, who keeps 9 Volt batteries on hand? I have AA and AAA and even C batteries, but no 9 Volt. So, I took the battery out of the detector thinking that would stop the beeping...but alas, no such luck as it is wired into the electricity. So, since I forgot about the beeping before I got home tonight, I have to run out to the store tonight.

How annoying is that??

rain stops the race

A few weeks ago I was texting back and forth with BD. I know, I know, you are all asking yourselves "Why, oh why would you be talking to him?" I don't have an answer for that question, but through a few texts back and forth he told me he was going to the Daytona 500. This news sent me into a bit of unreasonable anger...

A little history is necessary at this point, in hopes of making myself not look so crazy. When I moved to Dallas I was seeing a guy, we dated for about 8 or so months, and towards the end of our relationship he went to the Daytona 500...and didn't take me with him. I was hurt by this because I just want to be included in things with the guys I date, and for the past few years, I seem to find the ones that don't really want me around all the time. So, I was hurt that I missed out on such a fun opportunity, as the Daytona 500 is really the only NASCAR race I have wanted to attend.

So, when BD told me he was going to this race I so badly wanted to go to, I was reminded of the hurt I felt 2 years ago, and was also reminded that BD was another guy I dated for an extended period of time who usually excluded me from things. Well, I was talking to my good friend Theo about all of these feelings, and he graciously suggested that we go. He made the whole trip possible for me, and I will forever be indebted to him for making one of my dreams come true.

I flew to Miami on Friday afternoon and spent the night in South Beach at Theo's amazing home. We spent part of the day on Saturday at the pool and part of the day on the beach. Then on Saturday night we drove up to Melbourne, FL to spend the night. Sunday afternoon we got up and drove into Daytona...without tickets to the race. I was freaking out a little bit...Ok, a lot because I really wanted to get into the race and had never bought tickets from a scalper before. Theo tried reassuring me that we would get tickets, but I wouldn't stop bitching about not having them. So...we finally stopped to talk to a guy on the street with tickets and thanks to Theo's amazing negotiating skills, we ended up paying $50 for $185 seats. And they were GOOD seats! We were right on turn 4 at the very top...a few seats down from Kurt Busch's spotter. How fun is that??

So, we get in our seats and the race begins. I have only been to IndyCar races before, so I was very excited to be at my first NASCAR race. The people, the noises, the whole atmosphere of racing is so much fun!

About an hour into the race I get a text from BD. Yes, that's right, he contacted me first. I hadn't told him I was going, but he found out from a mutal friend of ours. So, we texted back and forth a couple of times, and he tells me that his phone is dying but to let him know if I wanted to say "hi". We were sitting just a couple of sections away from each other. So, then I get a text from a strange number saying that BD's phone died, but to text that number. So, I decided to see him and asked him to come down and meet me. He did. And the whole exchange was just awkward. We talked a bit about his "move" to New York and about the race. And then I wanted to get back to the race, so I said good bye, hugged him, and walked away. As I walked away I got an overwhelming feeling that I will never see that man again...ever. The chances of our paths crossing again in the future is very slim...and I think I'm ok with that. Who'd have thought that I would have gotten closure at a NASCAR race??

So, I return to my seat, just after a big wreck...I was upset that I missed it, because minutes later the clouds rolled in and it started raining. They red flagged the race so we went underneath the stands to stay dry and wait for the verdict. Soon after, they called the race. Theo and I headed back to the car, where I proceeded to complain and bitch about us going the wrong way. I was cold and wet, and just wanted to be warm and dry again. We made it back to the car, following Theo's direction (which, by the way, was the correct direction-that's right, I can admit when I'm wrong). We settled into the car for the drive back to Miami. We had a great parking spot, so didn't have to sit in traffic for very long at all. All in all it was a GREAT trip. I hope that some day I can repay Theo for the kindness and generousity he showed to me.

you get your hopes up

A little over a month ago I got a phone call from a previous GM of mine. He said that my name had come up in conversation about a job for which I would have been perfect. And...also would have gotten me back to Indianapolis. I was told I would be contacted after Christmas to set up an interview.

A few weeks went by, and I hadn't heard anything so I sent off my resume to said GM and let him know I was still interested in learning more about the position we had spoken about. He replied and let me know he hadn't forgotten about me and that he would be in touch.

Well, today I learned (not from my old GM, but through one of my current coworkers) that this position has been filled. And has been filled by a much lesser qualified candidate than I would have been. I wasn't even given the opportunity to interview for this position. How is this fair?

I know I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up about going back home, but I did. I told people about it, and now have to tell people that its not going to happen. I know that God must have a good reason to keep me in Dallas. It's just that two years of disappointment after disappointment has me questioning why I am still here. I feel like over the past year I have just kept losing things...friends, a boyfriend, self-confidence, mental stability. I know I have plenty to be thankful for, but right now it's hard to see past my own hurt feelings to get perspective.