life is cut short

I haven't really been able to really grasp what happened in September, but for some reason Erin is on my mind tonight. Erin was my best friend in high school. She and I were mostly inseparable from my Sophomore to Senior years of high school. We were the typical high school girl friends, we slept over at each other's houses, we dated boys who were friends so that we could double "date", we talked on the phone for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. She was a truely genuine person, a kind person, fun and funny, supportive and honest to a fault.

I learned a lot from Erin over the years of our friendship. She taught me to be myself, to love myself, to cherish my family, to love my pets, to live life. Erin made some choices in her life that led her down a dangerous road. I had gone off to college when many of these choices were being made, and it would be years before I found out about any of these choices. When I found out what had happened, I felt guilty that I wasn't there for her, I wasn't there to bring her back to reality. I realized later on that I couldn't have changed her path. She fell in love, deeply in love, and would have done anything to be with her soul mate. Erin loved like no one I have ever known. She was loyal to a fault. She also yearned to be loved in return. I don't know if I could have made a difference back then, and I suppose looking back it was best that I wasn't there, for fear that I may have followed her down this road.

A little over 2 years ago I received a call from Erin, after not being in contact for many many years. She was different, but the same. The drugs had worn her down, but she was still funny and caring and wanted to know all about how I was and what I was doing. She said she was trying to get well, and had been clean for awhile now, but the methadone treatment was rough on her. She told me that her soul mate had overdosed about a year prior and had passed away. This was very hard on her, but she had met someone who was taking care of her. She was living with this guy, and I had the chance to speak with him briefly. He loved her, and that's what she so desparately needed. We talked for awhile, remembering all the good times we shared during the years that we were close. She asked me to write to her, she gave me her address and we said goodbye. I meant to write, I thought about it often but didn't take the time, thinking that I could write her tomorrow or that I would talk to her again soon.

Then early Sunday morning, September 21st, my mom called to tell me the news. Erin had passed away the day before. The wind was knocked out of me. I had to hang up the phone, and I broke down. Broke down like I had never before. I had never experienced such a loss and I had no idea how to handle it. I booked a flight home so that I could attend the funeral and say goodbye. Once again, I feel guilty that I wasn't there, I wasn't there for her when she had helped me through so many things growing up. I wasn't there for her when I should have been. I live with the guilt of not being a better friend to Erin in the end because I was scared and didn't understand what she was going through. I will never get the chance to say I'm sorry, I will never get the chance again to tell her how much I loved her. Not in this life anyway. I rest easier knowing that she was saved before she died, and hope to one day see her shining smile again.

Her funeral was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing her mom, her sister, all the people that loved her so much. Everyone was in so much pain. The service was beautiful, and Erin was beautiful. I have pushed the pain down deep inside of me so I don't have to face the sorrow and guilt I feel. But tonight she is on my mind. I wish I could call her and tell her about my day and hear about hers, and talk about our cats and how stupid boys are. I'm missing her tonight. I will carry a piece of her with me for the rest of my life.

None of us like to think about it, but life is too short to take the people you love for granted. Hug your friends, tell them you love them, don't wait until it's too late and you are left wishing you had said all the things you wished you'd said. I love you Erin.