you're single in your 30's

My other single friend sent me this link today:

http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/06/30/its-okay-to-be-single-in-your-thirties-unless-youre-a-gir/

I appreciated the thought of this article, and the comments were fun to read. The older I get into my 30's, the more I feel people looking at me with pity. This very well could be my own perception, my own projections of what I think people are thinking. But as they say...perception is reality. This guy is dead on about single girls in their 30's having to answer for the reasons why. It hasn't been for lack of trying, and I honestly don't feel that I'm too picky. I just haven't quite figured out yet why relationship after relationship has failed for me.

As this year's birthday is upon me, I think back to days when I was in a good relationship (or at least what I thought was good at the time). Seth and I were together for close to 5 years. I thought I would marry him. He was an amazing boyfriend, I mean amazing. And maybe that's where I go wrong, no one I have dated since him has been able to measure up. He treated me like I was the only person in his world that mattered, he made me a part of his life in every aspect...that is until he didn't. For whatever reason, Seth pulled away from me after a few years of dating. I fought very hard to keep him in my life, because he was all I had ever wanted. Needless to say, our relationship ended and he's moved on. I have pretended to move on, but even after 6 years haven't been able to get that relationship out of my head.

We got a cat together, this cat I still have and love like she's my child. Every time I look at her, pet her...he's there. He made every birthday and holiday the most special day. And not only special days, he made everyday special in his own way. He would leave me notes, messages on the mirror, sweet voicemails and texts. Everyday was worth living when he was in my life. Being back in Indianapolis has made those memories even stronger.

When I really sit and think about it, I was 100% myself when I was with Seth. I don't think that I have ever really allowed anyone in like I did with him. And maybe there lies the foundation of my issues in dating. He told me when we broke up that he couldn't make me happy and that I would find someone that could. Maybe I'm just determined to prove him wrong. I miss him. Or maybe I mostly miss the idea of him...I miss the way that I felt when we were together.

So, now I'm in my early 30's and single. A few more failed relationships that added to the broken heart I already had. For the most part, I'm happy to be where I am in life. I have great friends, an incredibly supportive family and I job I love most days. I pay my own bills and have the financial stability to enjoy my life. Why can't that be enough? I don't think I want to have kids, so why the desire to find someone to share my life with? Because I don't want to be alone on my birthday. I want someone who will make a big deal of it, even though I say I don't, just because they love me. I want someone who will go to the movies with me on a Sunday afternoon without having to find a babysitter or bring their boyfriend along. I want someone who is all mine, and I'm his. I want to feel his arms around me when I'm feeling sad or scared and know that everything will be alright. I want someone in my life that I can be completely open with all the time and know that he will never think less of me.

I have come to the conclusion that this may not happen for me, and when I explain this, I would appreciate people not telling me I'm crazy. Its a reasonable conclusion at this point. Does this mean I've given up? I don't think so. He might be out there, but I refuse to make it my number one priority to find a husband. Like "S" in that article, I would like to find love when its supposed to happen, not because I force it to. I suppose I am a romantic and would like to be swept off my feet by my prince charming in some unexpected scenario, not by some guy who thought I looked cute on match.com. I have made it this far as a single woman, and if I don't meet the love of my life, I know that everything will be ok. I would live the rest of my life alone rather than in some horrible relationship because I felt the need to settle to please friends, family and society.