all your friends are right

I had been anticipating his return for weeks...the last time he was in town we had lunch and some silly drunk texts, but that was it. You see I was dating someone at the time, so I was forced to practice self control that weekend. I thought then that I could see him and be alright.

I was wrong...just as all my friends had said. And now I'm left in a heap of sobs on the bathroom floor yet once again. I don't know why it's always the bathroom floor-it isn't the most comfortable spot for a lengthy cry, but I digress.

I knew he would be back this weekend...as things started fizzling out with the guy I was seeing, BD and I started communicating more and more. I started to get excited about his return to Dallas, but told myself I knew it would probably be just one night and he was back off to Florida/NYC on Monday. "There was no way, " I told myself, "that I would get crazy and attached again". My friends are all smart people, they knew better but I refused to listen.

So, the crazy started on Friday night when I hadn't heard from him by 9pm. I knew he was probably already out and didn't understand why I hadn't heard from him. About quarter after 10pm, he texted me to tell me he was at a strip club. Fair enough. He also let me know that there was another girl wanting his attention this weekend. This pissed me off a bit, fine for being honest, but why mention it. This intensified the already simmering crazy in my head. He tried to get me to come out to Baby Dolls, and I probably would have but didn't really feel all that comfortable walking into a place like that by myself. Finally around 11:30pm they left the strip club. I jumped in a cab to meet him and his friends at the Loon. We drank some beers, chatted a bit with his friends it turned out to be a really good time. The crazy started heating up a bit more when he showed affection in the bar...he grabbed my hands and put them around his back. To my recollection, he had never shown any kind of affection in public like that, even when we were dating. I was swooning at this point.

We get back to my place, and I don't think I need to tell anyone what happened then...but I do feel it's fair to mention that it was the best it had ever been...and it was always good. We woke up the next morning and did it again, and again...amazing.

So, as much I tried to tell myself that it was going to just be one night, and I should be grateful that he included me in his schedule at all, he left that morning with me wanting more. I have realized that it is impossible for me to separate the physical and emotional with him. I still love him, and I guess deep down in my mind I hope that each time I see him it will be different, that he'll realize that I could be the one to make him happy.

I didn't really hear from him on Saturday, no surprise really but I spent the evening wondering if he was with the other girl that wanted him. Did he take advantage of my feelings Friday night? Does he even know what my feelings are for him? Not even a drunk text...which I know sounds stupid, but if he texts me when he's drinking, at least I know I'm a thought in his head. So...now I've hit full on insane again about this guy who doesn't really want me. He said I would see him before he leaves, but I doubt that will happen. I have at least learned one thing over the past year with this man...he is really good at saying the things I want to hear, but not always so good about following through with the actual thing he said he would do.

So, tomorrow he will be gone again. And there is no telling when I will see him again. Life will go back to normal, and in a couple weeks I'll be ok again. To all my friends out there that warned me, you were all right, and I promise I won't come crying to any of you about this, because I know I got what I deserved.