you have to say goodbye

but just don't know how to let it go.

I've done this before...I've let people go. Why is it so different with BD? The ongoing saga continued over the past week starting last weekend when I stayed with him on Friday night and spent all Saturday morning with him running errands and having breakfast, topped off with a great nap. Things seemed to be getting back to some normalcy.

Then...I picked a fight on Monday due to some pictures that he posted on his blog. He had told me I wasn't invited out to the bars on Saturday night because it wasn't a good idea to have girls around...yet he posted pictures of him with some girls. The thing that upset me most about this was that he and I have ZERO pictures together. I'm not a part of any of his memories, even though we've been doing this on and off thing for almost a year now. I guess it just hurts that we have no pictures together...I know this may seem stupid to some of you. Anyway, I explained this to him and at the time he seemed to understand my feelings about it.

On Wednesday night...or rather very early Thursday morning he called after an evening at a strip club. I couldn't figure out why he felt the need to call me that night to tell me what he had been doing, but we actually had a decent conversation and at the end of the call he told me that he liked me and that he wanted to work things out with me.

Now, of course, this is exactly what I had been waiting for since about July when we first broke up. Just to be sure...Thursday afternoon I asked him if what he said was true or if he was just drunk. He said he meant it. But then...he came back from Florida (where he is currently working on a project and travels Monday through Friday). Also during our phone conversation he had said "I'll see you on Friday".

I sent a text Friday afternoon to confirm and he told me he has plans with a friend visiting from London that he had forgotten about...yet does not invite me along. After a few text exchanges, and after I got upset, he told me "you can come out, if you want." Now, maybe this is just me being a dumb girl, but somehow I didn't get the feeling he actually wanted me out with him...and VOILA, I was right. He did not call or text when he landed and did not actually ever invite me out...my level of upset escalated to pissed at this point. We continued fighting over text Saturday morning.

So, at this point he did not have any plans for Saturday night, he had some options, none of which he said he wanted to do, and that maybe we could go to dinner. "Maybe" being the key word in that sentence. Well, after a couple days worth of stress, my stomach was very upset, so I told him I wanted to stay home and thought it would be nice if he came over. Now, all of sudden, he made plans to go out to a party, but said he would only stay a couple hours and would come over after. Well, three hours later I still hadn't heard from him, so decided to go to bed. He never called, and not being able to sleep at 1am I finally called him. He said he didn't call, even though he said he would, because I said I was going to bed. Whatever. He was too tired to speak to me that night.

So, that brings us to today. This afternoon, we had what I thought was a fairly productive conversation, and I had calmed down a bit from the earlier drama. Then, I asked him to sleep over tonight. All hell has broken loose from this seemingly small request. At first he said he couldn't because he had a late hockey game, but maybe tomorrow. But then he said I could come to his place tomorrow, and when I asked why he couldn't stay at my place I got the following answer:

1. Cats
2. I'm leaving Wednesday
3. I never get to sleep in my dirty ass bed
4. I have shit to do around my place

So, I asked him if he would every stay at my place again. He said he didn't plan on anything, but that he doesn't like staying with me. Ok GREAT, now I'll be sure to invite him over all the time. After further conversation, I asked him to explain our conversation on Wednesday night. He had the nerve to ask me "what time did I call" and proceeded to tell me he had no idea what he even said that night. He is acting like the biggest jerk right now, and everytime I get over one thing he turns around and does something else that he knows will upset me, as if to upset me on purpose. That's just downright MEAN.

So, I have to ask myself yet again What am I Doing??? What am I DOING??? Why can't I let this one go? I know I should, I'm letting him drive me so crazy I've been sick to my stomach all weekend, not eating, not sleeping. I've walked away from guys before, I know how to do this...but I can't do it. I can't not talk to him, I can't not keep hoping that this will work out in my favor.

So, I find myself a very similar situation as I was in Indianapolis just over 2 years ago. Most of my friends have moved on with their lives, living in different cities, serious boyfriends or married, having kids...and I'm so happy for all them, however, I feel like I've been left behind yet again. And I'm left pining away for some guy who so obviously does not want to be with me. I left Indianapolis to start a new life, and ended up with the exact same life. I'm miserable, I'm sad, I'm lonely...

The next step...finding a way to be happy again. I'm just not too sure where to start.